A Winter Night	05:20 am

It is cold and dark. The ice crystals break under my feet, the sole companion to the howling wind and my frosty breath. Silent and eerie streetlights pass over my head, stretching over me like the ribcage of some long forgotten, and long dead, mythical creature. Their declining and worn yellow glow shine down upon the snow, bringing an unreal luminosity to cloaked ground - an ominous light coming from below, not above.

The flat and demure city passes by me slowly, it's buildings disappearing into the concept horizon behind me that I cannot see, do not wish to see - an unspeakable void in my mind. Creaking trees on my right. Kindergarten on my left. Why did I choose this path, when I prefer the forest?

"Am I in a hurry? Why did I leave? Where am I going?"

Those questions are of no relevance. But others are: "Why am I stopping so soon? Why this sojourn? Why am I stopping there."

But I don't know. My feet have conquered my mind, defying it and leading it, along with the rest of me, to that dreaded place.

Stairs. I don't want to go up. "That's silly, of course you can go up these stairs, you've been here more than a thousand times." And I walk on, hood tucked down into my face. "Did I actually just stop there? I hope no one saw me."

The world retracts a bit, the street widening to a road street with parking lots on both sides. Even the threatening streetlights back away a bit - perhaps scared of the open space, not at all unlike me. They are older here, projecting wisdom and knowledge from their classical crested frameworks on their timeless wooden poles. Strength, perhaps. They are upright, even in this near-glacial night.

Right. Left. One more right. And I'm there. The white painted door on it's stony podium seems so nondescript, almost secretive of what lies behind. "Come on in, if you dare." Do I? I walk in, but I don't know if I dare.

Eyes fixed on the ground. Brown and speckled linoleum floor. Is there a mirror to the right? And maybe an open cabinet of some sorts? I don't recall. Left is easier. A coat rack, the kitchen door, a closet, and a door that leads to a humming and moaning, long-obsolete oil furnace with a visage that always seems to convey anger and dismay. I never liked looking at it. On the ceiling is a white firealarm, also nondescript. Right in a middle is an old man, leaning onto a walking aid sort of trolley. He stares at me. Disbelief?

"Hi" - in an overly confident manner, much more than what would be truthful - "hi." His face is red and swollen in one side, the skin draping down in a manner that makes is obvious - even with little difference from the other side to bring contrast - that this side could not express any emotions, even if he attempted to do so.

My "hi" is still lingering in the air. I walk left, into the angular kitchen with the wooden counter - around the corner, quickly. I open the freezer and pop in my Bacardi Breezers from my backpack.

I walk out again. He's gone. Straight forward into the living room - he's in the couch at the left end of the room. The christmas tree is still on my left, not surprising in this house, even in may. May? Why is it snowing in may? And it's not a fir - it's a Norway spruce. It was always fir.

It's uncomfortable now. Maybe five or ten minutes pass in a state where my mind is denying everything. That state where your vocal cords go into low-power mode, seemingly autonomously bluttering mindless fill into the atmosphere while you're too busy thinking. I decide to yield in dread. Something is wrong. This is wrong, even if I didn't feel like something else is wrong.

I adamantly step forward to offer him a hug - the same resoluteness that uttered "hi" just moments ago - tapped from an unknown depot of obscure and mal placed civility. He refuses. His right arm held out in front of him, blocking my way to his considerably corporeal body, and at the same time offering me to shake his hand. I shake it. Once.

My soles almost cry out on the wooden living room floor as I turn on my heels quickly, but not too quickly. I glare in despair at the wrong christmas tree, finding my way to the kitchen with solid steps. Open the freezer, grab my spirits. I can't close it again. Things keep rolling out, blocking the door. Several tries and what seems like ages later, I succeed. I find the door. I make it out. The icy gust hits my face hard; a welcome feeling of life when you've been so close to death.

I wake up with a jolt.


(Original comment "Almost scared" by dj_aguy 2004-05-31 06:51 am)
That was extremely well written. The emotion behind it almost jump out at me. But it was so melodically. I am left with a feeling of sadness and worry. Is there a reason to this dream? Is this more then a dream? It hurts to think that things like this have happened to you, even if these things happen all the time.

I Know	12:33 am

This is one of the biggest decisions in your life. It does not matter that so many seemingly smaller decisions led you here, it is not important. This is now, this is when you decide what is going to happen in your life. This is when you make a choice that will enevitably bring something bad, this is when you fail, regardless of your will and good intentions. It is not just yourself it affects - that is impossible. You will hurt many, again and again - you will bring sorrow and pain.

So the question is: How do I avoid it? How do I minimize the damage? Minimize the side-effects of life.. Or remove them all together.

I know.

I'm Sorry	02:21 am

Regretfully, I have to admit that my previous banter did little to make a point. I apologize for that. I will attempt to remedy it in the nearest future.

"In our madness evermore we rave.."



(Original comment "that's what it's for" by dj_aguy 2004-05-28 10:00 pm)
Useless banter? Dear this is what this thing is for if you want. To write what you want and what is on your mind. You need not apoligize for anything you post, it is your mind and a bueatiful one it is. Keep it coming girl I truly enjoy reading your posts.

Telling Lies	01:27 am

I just watched Telling Lies in America. It's not that special I suppose. But it was so normal, the characters so true.

Even if the morale was rather unoriginal - well you guessed it from the title - it actually made me consider how much lies are worth. And I'm not the best example, I know, but the contrast there is precious, or truth would just become another worthless word.

So is truth spoken from a liar worth more? That depends, to whom. Even a liar can be loved, and this is where it matters... It's a one time experience. It stops mattering after a while. At least as long as you stay true.

Please Let Me Fly	11:40 pm

Take this life
Shut me down
I die twice
If I drown

For my pain
And my hate
Die in vain
It's my fate

Everyday
Burn on steel
In this play
I will feel

I am trapped
Make my nuse
Or as trapped
I will lose

Let me die
Let me die
For this lie
Cannot fly

Current Mood: cynical

Current Music: Nightwish - End of all Hope

Hecate

(Original comment "My God" by dj_aguy 2004-05-27 06:12 am)
Morpheus: Your the Greek God Morpheus, of dreams. Believing there is something bigger out there, and often lost in thought. You're imaginative, and smart - not always a leader, but usually the one who came up with the plan. You often ask, What if.... and long to get out of the darkness and through the window.

Wow, that his the nail on the head.

Malevolent Dream	10:56 am

I sold my soul to stop a criminal. I had to abandon my own body and fight him in his. He was very, very dangerous. Whenever I failed he would go through "conditioning" - a process in which "they" attempted to implant another person inside him, a non-violent, non-evil persona. Each time they would fail, and each time I would be part of him, not fully sentient, and not fully aware what was going on.

The last time was strangely different. I woke up from surgery - apparantly Sex Reassignment Surgery. The doctor that had treated me, and whom I had a crush on strangely, offered me to come home to his flat. I accepted, and in my bandaged and sore state I managed to lose him in the complex.

Next scene: The criminal sees me. He stares into my (now brown - why?) eyes and pauses. He tilts his head, not knowing exactly what to make of this woman. A chill runs down my spine both in the dream and reality.

Suddenly the doctors voice is all over. He is talking to me while cooking, but I can't make out from where. I start running, and suddenly the psychopath was in front of me. He attacked me, with a knife held high.

I wake up.

Cold Like Ice	05:58 pm

It's true, the way I feel. I never feel just one little thing. I'm saturated and full, from one extreme to the next, never failing in intensity but always in clarity.

I'm constantly called lethargic and phlegmatic, but how can it be true?

It can't, it isn't possible. I'm misinterpreted, patronized, judged - and I can't help it. Stuck in a shell where it's impossible to display emotions or even express my opinions properly. I'm a wall of stone, a splash of ice and more insensitive than even the most dead of cadavres.

(Original comment "So dear to me..." by divinesorrow 2004-05-26 03:04 pm)
I love you..for being my friend...for being close to me and not hating me...for holding me tight to your heart even though you wanna be alone... - I love you for every face you have, and every feeling you show (and don't show)...Don't ever forget how much I care for you..and how dear you are to me...

Don't you ever let anyone tell you that you're not worth it..!!! Not even yourself! ;)

Outnumbered by Crooked Facts	10:37 pm

Another of those strange, strange days. Today I went to social services (again) to try and get some form of help so I could stay off the street. His best suggestion was commiting fraud, and he was even kind enough to get me started with it. Interesting.

Well, as it seems it is my only hope for reestablishing a life, I guess I will have to play along.

I managed to ruin my backpack earlier today. I'll have to get a new one. Or maybe not. If all goes well, I guess I won't have to be on the road constantly anymore. I can hardly imagine though. Right now, I can recognize my life from years back, but if it changes... Ifit changes it will be a completely new contest. I wonder if my odds will ever be in my favor.


(Original comment "worries" by dj_aguy 2004-05-25 10:07 pm)
I so wish I could help. If only I was there or you here. It pains me to think of you in such a state and I pray that things will turn around for you. Even if you think I shouldn't I do, I would gladly let you share my roof...though I would have to get some money for food :). *sighs* I guess all I can to is pray that your life head in the right direction. Take care dear and know that there are people that care.

(Original comment "Chin up. :)" by black_reynard 2004-05-26 04:38 am)
There sure are. And you know it. *hugs*

I doubt it's fraud. It's perhaps more that the kind fellow has (unsually) given you useful advice. But regardless, if it helps, then don't question it. We have a saying over here.. "never look a gift horse in the mouth." . ;) So go with it.

But that guy *looks up* has offered you a roof.. and I'll chip in some walls too, if it'll help. :)

Take care Amiga.

-R-

(Original comment "Re: Chin up." by contentiousjoy 2004-05-26 11:07 am)
Well hopefully, they will offer me something. For now, divinesorrow has kindly offered me shelter and more important, a manifestation of trust and care. That cannot be traded for anything material.

:)

Come back.. please...	01:17 am

"Hello
Can you hear me?
Am I gettin' through to you?

Hello
Is it late there?
Is there laughter on the line?
Are you sure you're there alone?

Cause I'm
Tryin' to explain
Somethings wrong
You just don't sound the same

Why don't you
Why don't you
Go outside
Go outside

Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone, too long

If your lips
Feel lonely and thirsty
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn

Keep in mind
We're under the same sky
And the nights
As empty for me, as for you
If ya feel
You can't wait till morning
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain

Hello
Do you miss me?
I hear you say you do
But not the way I'm missing you

What's new?
How's the weather?
Is it stormy where you are?
You sound so close but it feels like you're so far
Oh would it mean anything
If you knew
What I'm left imagining
In my mind
In my mind
Would you go
Would you go
Kiss the rain

And you'd fall,
over me
Think of me
Think of me
Think of me
Only me
Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone,
too long
If your lips
Feel lonely and tempted
Kiss the rain
and wait for the dawn

Keep in mind
We're under the same skies
And the nights
As empty for me, as for you

If you feel
You can't wait till morning

Kiss the rain"

Billie Myers - Kiss the Rain

I wish I was so...	01:18 pm

I'm afraid my ears will be damaged by the loud music. But it has to be loud, or it won't surround me entirely. It just feels so good. So bad. So sad or so happy. Strong or weak. But it's felt, and it is so powerful. And when the feeling is loud enough, you will recognize it, not only in your heart, but in your body; by the tingling sensation running down your spine and your arms.

I wish I was so unlike, so extreme, so alive...


(Original comment "sound" by dj_aguy 2004-05-24 05:53 pm)
Atleast you know it's not good for you. I wouldn't want to see you hurt, but atleast it makes you feel live.

Falling, in the Depth of Longing	01:06 am

Some years ago, I would have sworn to anyone that I was better off alone. And the situation was of no importance - it was me, and just me. I was terrified of being in any social situation. Mainly because I was unsure of myself. I still am, however, I know the reason now, and I'm able to see past it and bring myself into those dreaded places where it's impossible to keep my heart shut. And now. Now I feel it all over. I can hear it and I know what it means now..

Hug me. Let me cry on your shoulder. Let me drop my guard, let me break down so you can pick me up and piece me back together...

I long, I long so much. I just don't know how to live secluded anymore, and thus, I seek refuge with those I hate the most. Those who hurt the most, and those who scorch my soul the most.

I know it and I still do it; I'm afraid if I do not, my flame will burn out and I will go back to being who I was. That person without any friends, without any real feelings - that person that didn't really exist, or matter if it existed - Just wasting air and space...

I don't know if I'm more now. I think I can be, however. With help, a lot of help...

Current Music: Pixies - Where is my Mind

(Original comment "Lean here" by dj_aguy 2004-05-24 05:50 pm)
You can lean here dear, I'll wait for you to fit the pieces together. I know how you feel for I have fallen apart a number of times....many without even know it. Now I think I hold myself together even if sometime the tower has weakened and threatens to topple. I know what is like to be alone...inside even with people cramped about. People you do not know or think you may know. I stand alone now myself, thought I hold myself strong. I know how you feel and I hope my shoulder can help you stand once again.

A Duvais! Yay!	01:54 am

So tonight I can sleep inside and be warm. Even though I can't say that I've abolished the romancy of sleeping right under the stars. I merely wish to choose for myself when I prefer a roof and not.

Well. Got roof. It's amazing what a little promiscuity can buy.

Wound is healing up nicely. Bed and accessories are warm.

Cheers!

Turn me Off and Tell me Down	02:59 am

I hate having to think. Unfortunately, I'm being forced into being sentient once again. Or for the first time perhaps. It's impossible to know with my memory. Either way, if I ever have been it was back when I was a little brat. Very funny. It just seems such a waste of time not being a drunken retard most of the time. Worries and sorrows, pain and feelings; all things that are easier to cope with under influence of something.

Everything is easier when you get help. But if you do not deserve help - is it right to deny it? Or do you lose the right to object at the point where your life becomes pointless to yourself. "You don't care about yourself, so why should I?"

It's true. I can't possibly deny the logic, and I have no reason to. Besides being selfish and contentious, of course. And contemptuous. As always.

Ah well. There's always another day, another punishment, another way to justify my being through whatever act can bring me closer to something resembling... justification.

How deep. Guess it's time for sleep.

Last Night	12:26 am

Two forces so strong fight inside me, my soul spent as armament, my body a raged battlefield - a territory to be won and had. It's invisible to anyone oblivious to most. There are no fires, no craters and corpses to tell the story. In a lucky moment - or perhaps it is unlucky - maybe my face will show. Maybe a person walks by me, and reads my incredulous expression.

Is it possible? How would it feel to be them? Would it be like a sudden pang of compassion? Revulsion? And then what? Force themselves to indifference? Or would it come natural?

I never have the answers. Realistically though the answer is no. They won't and they can't. It's impossible. Either that or the world is a lot more cynical than even I would herald.

Current Mood: irritated

Fashionville	04:10 pm

In a civilized country, you never know. You never know what strange events will come to pass. But rest assured, the stranger that reaches out, and strokes your cheek, is a fairytale - just a fairytale.

I hate suburbs full of snobby people. They have this idea they are so much better, all because of something as meaningless as a postcode. Oh well. I suppose I can just be entertained by their frowning and displeased faces, their fashionable clothes and ditto politically correct opinions. I will smile my most polite and naive smile, and they will trust their prejudices enough to let me see straight through thei ill concealed opinions. Yes, I'm different. Yes, I know exactly what you're thinking of me.

Current Mood: amused

(Original comment "*smiles*" by dj_aguy 2004-05-20 07:46 pm)
Mhmmm it seems you are experiencing norrow minded people is all. sorry to day but they are all over the world and seems to be the majority of living people. But I think they do this because it makes them feel save and in right. I mean not many people I know like being wrong. I guess it will always be like this....I know I have found myself guilty of this type of thing but I like to think I'm breaking through that ever time I catch myself and force my mind open a bit more.
All i have to say I guess is to not let it get to you and go on living happy.

Torn and Bloody	02:39 am

Pitch black tonight. I'm getting ready for bed, though I know I should have made haste to be back in my hell come dawn.

In bed now - same spot as yesterday. All doubt is swept away, so easily and naturally. The sight calms my nerves more than any drug I have yet tried.

I've started drinking too much again. I know I shouldn't, but the urge is back, stronger than before. Same stories with cigarettes. I didn't realize I had consumed 30 in one and a half day before it was mentioned to me.

I scratched myself a bit too. I can't explain my behaviour these last days at all - I've felt happier than so long, and still my forearm is swollen and red now.

Gods, I'm a mess. I desperately need help.

Current Mood: sore


(Original comment "Hug" by dj_aguy 2004-05-16 07:57 pm)
*gives her a hug in hopes it will make her feel better*

(Original comment "*gives a hug too*" by shadowcatjen 2004-05-20 09:11 am)
When I'm feeling down and things are going bad I usualy revert to just thinking things through in a logical manner. Like what my options are, where can I go from here that is going to get me going again, what do I need to do to help myself and who can I call on if I need help to help myself. Things like this bring some calm to my mind.

But also realize that (here's a bit of a biblical-ish quote for you) God will help those who help themselves. Don't let all this grind you to a halt where the only direction you end up going is down. Keep moving and keep striving even if you think it all looks hopeless.

And... *gets out her "Be Good" stick* ... knock off the booze, hun. It's not going to improve your situation any.

*huggles again, but continues to loom with the stick* :P

Stars and Light, Shine so Bright	02:03 am

I see stars from this window. And city lights. It makes me reminisce to times long gone - and I realize now how much I miss it. They're very special. White and yellow they brighten the night, contesting celestial bodies in this feud against darkness. They also bring a slight feeling of helplessness to my heart, reminding me of when I last lay awake, staring into the prism that is a sleeping city.

Perhaps, however, this feeling of belonging really means this is where I should stay. But even if I did find a place here, I would never quite experience it as strongly and happily as today. The sence of freedom and life that is here is indescribable, but I will try anyway.
Maybe it is the underlying love and care for each other that makes my heart swell, or maybe the fun they have is simply so alien to me. But most of all I think it is the state of honest presence that is so overwhelming. "I am me to you, and I know you are yourself to me."
That is truly admirable, loveable and desirable.

I can't help but envy this, as I do with so much and many these days. Still, most of all I go to sleep with a feeling of guilt for neglecting such a dear and precious friend. I hope that I may once more earn that place in her heart that I held, not without quite a bit of pride. Forgive me, yet again.

Goodnight.

Current Mood: indescribable

Anima Absentis	12:13 pm

I have been living here in a week now. I don't have a solution yet - if I ever will.

It's starting to feel my mind dull, not being able to do as I used to. I'm trying to read some books to make up for it, and that seems to be helping a bit. Currently I'm half-way through the medieval trilogy by Jan Guillou.

The most surprising part was when the point of view, in the second book; "The Temple Knight" changed from all-christian, to alternating between an islamic and christian point of view.

I'm not aware if it's been translated to english yet, but if it has, go grab a copy at your local library. It's definitely worth it.

As with any books - any good books at least - you take something from them when you're done reading them. Perhaps a quote, perhaps a feeling... I think these books have given me both now. Even though I am not a christian, I do take great joy in singing psalms, or something as trivial as biblical quotes. Anyone who believes there is no wisdom to be found in either the Bible or the Koran are lying to themselves.

I think it's a human prerequisite to believe in something. Even the most stubborn atheist must believe, or at least have the desire to believe in something divine. Personally, I believe in a potpourri of deities and faiths. I am certainly a person who should be struck down by several beliefs, just for mixing them in such a blasphemous way.

Deus vult Abesco

(Original comment "I agree" by dj_aguy)
hello again there, it's me SoL. I hope your doing well, from this entre I can tell somethings are a bit hard on you but at least your safe and comfortable. I feel for you and how you are feeling with you mind dulling, I experienced that much to much at my old job in Michigan. One thing I would like to say is I very much agree with you on the fact that you can learn a lot from religons. They can really give insights into many peoples points of view for many truly live by their beliefs. I mean that is a big factor in the war that we and the middle east is about, even more so now. I mayself do not have any religous believes but I hope that I can understand them...but the more I think about it I know that I don't. As for reading there are few things that could ever compare to reading a good book...another then a really good Anime :). Well stay well girl, don't do anything that would put you in a bad postion. Even if I have never met you face to face I still care. Bye for now.

Boom boom boom!!	02:24 pm

Three big trolls stomping on my head. That's what it feels like anyway. Perhaps being in one of the most trafficated places in Denmark doesn't help much.

Ohhh my head... Come take me away please!

Well I'm heading north in a moment. Probably just back to the exact same place - feelings - everything.

Oh well. Some food would be nice now. There's my train.

Current Mood: hungry

Whishey Whore	09:06 pm

It's been a while since I last had whiskey.. Three different ones. In an hour I can't tell the difference.. I'll drink my sorrows away.

Cheers everyone!

Current Mood: drunk

Waiting for a train	01:15 pm

Station is dirty and smelly. How boring. Fortunately I don't have to wait long.

I like the new trains on this line. It's like riding a rollercoaster when they speed up. Too bad it's so expensive - especially when you're broke.

Current Mood: bored

Blogging in the Grass	05:03 pm

I decided I like the smell of grass so much I'd stick my face down in it.


No really - it's rather nice. I like this lawn because it's not too well kept - wild flowers here and there. I decided against picking any of them since I can just as well admire them here without killing them..


It's been very long since I last lay and frolicked in the sun. I'm making up for quite a lot actually.


Nature is so forgiving..

Current Mood: peaceful

Inspired night	04:50 am

I went for a walk and I heard the birds
They sang of something beautiful
I looked to the sky and I saw for myself
The song of the reddest moon

I stood and I watched and through my eyes
I heard a song the deaf would hear
And my heart told me what the moon thought
It asked me something boon

It told me to go and tell everyone,
what birds and animals know
In the night, she shines down on us
Come and see the reddest moon

Tonight has been very nice to me, I've been thinking an unusual amount of happy thoughts. I'm not going to bed today; perhaps I can keep it going like this... I'm trying to think of something to make my little corner here become more interesting to read.. After all, I don't wish what few readers I have to yawn themselves to death.

I'm going driving in about 4 hours, and I have to go make a money withdrawal today, to pay for my driving theory test. I already failed once - if it happens once more, I won't have enough money to get my driver's license at all. Oh well. I'll cross my fingers for now. :)

Anyway.. Time to get a bit of coffee and play some games till the morning.. Hope the night finds you all well.

Current Mood: Tired

Current Music: Pernille Rosendahl - Filur

Fly	03:32 am

Fly
To Sheila

Soaring high forever, stronger than the wind
Giving you views of angels, in the sunlight pinned
Over mountain, over cloud, over highest kings
I will keep you safe here, like the eagle's wings

Beating feathers slowly - to the dance of flight
Taking fear away, through the darkness and the light
And if the stillness scares you, i'll play on howling winds
For I will make you trust, like the eagle does his wings

And in a slow descent, landing on the tree,
on that hill, in those woods, wherever we can be
Or when defying gravity, taking off with giant swings
I promise I will carry you, and I will be your wings.

Current Mood: Secretive

Current Music: Foo Fighters

Again and again	03:16 am

Lost in the cold - that cold we all carry around, shrouded in the presence of true friendship... or even, if you're lucky, true love... But when neither love, nor friends are there to heat you up... It just grows into you... Gnawing, biting.. digging deeper, rooting, nesting. And when it's there.. You will shiver, and you will tremble.. Because it hits you like a baseball bat, nomatter how many times you've tried it before. Again and again

But even though the cold itself it horrible, it's when it speaks it really gets bad.. It will say the most horrible things... But you deserve it, right? Of course.. If you stop hitting your head and listen, you will be told.. over and over again.. monster.. freak.. murderer.. die.. Again and again.

Blood is washed off, but washes nothing away... Again and again.

Current Music: Hevia