Be confident inconfident!	08:52 am

I should have learned by now not to trust the danish social system. All my grief and worry in vain - sheesh!

Luckily, I was set straight as soon as I called them. They made it abundantly clear that there is no help to be had. Hallelujah!

Time	08:06 am

Time's drawing nearer all the time. But then again, that's the definition of time, isn't it? It certainly isn't going to hold for me.

I am afraid to pick up the phone and find a solution. Why? Because I have no idea what I am going to ask for. Or what answer I would get. That situation really scares me. I am supposed to know. I keep telling myself that is the reason anyway. That I am used to knowing what people say, so I am scared now that their words are cloaked from me. It is a very comfortable thought.

I can't keep my eyelids open. And yet I have so much to do today.

Current Mood: Tired

Current Music: Dave Matthews Band - Crash into me

Ambivalent	12:54 pm

Things aren't so rosy red as they were a few days ago. Well, maybe they are, but I'm standing at a crossroads, and I have no idea which path to choose. I know for sure, that I do not want to stand still, and I know, where I wish to end up. The question is just how to get there.

I have been searching my soul for an answer again and again, night and day, but for the first time in my life, I have no idea. I'm lost, literally, without a single clue. Just a month ago, I would probably have shrugged my shoulders, indifferent to whatever future lay ahead. I can't do that anymore. She's made me care. Not just for her, but for myself.

I am torn between two choices that are really... Well, not even important.. Or are they? I don't know. I can't think straight. But will they make a difference? I don't know, because they are not even possible yet.. Perhaps they are. How can I know when I can't finish thinking them through? Help!

Current Mood: Anxious

Current Music: The Clash - London Calling

Reptant Penitent	04:38 am

There are some times in life that you just wish you could take over. I doubt that any adult person has not experienced this feeling. I am, unfortunately, extremely fragile when it comes to these experiences. My stomach tightens, I get nauseous, my vision is blurred and spotted, I find it hard to breathe.

Not that I really dislike that feeling of death. In fact, after it passes, I can't help but feel that I am slightly amended, or that I have at least paid some of my dues. This feeling soon fades to leave me with the cold realization that I am evermore penitent.

My incredulous optimism will convince me that in this, I can also find solace. For at least I know fully well that I am a freak, a beast, a monster.

Current Mood: Sorry

Current Music: Silverchair - Freak

Life inevitably changes	09:09 am

And that's what is happening now. In a big way. Well, for me at least.

I will be finding myself a dorm room, an education - a life(?)

This is all very new to me, and even if it should be nothing to speak of, it weighs heavily on my mind these days. Enough to make letters jumble around on the pages I am trying to read, and spread my thoughts like leaves in a changing gust.

Thinking back, my current situation is completely absurd. I remember one of the last classes I took in primary - some of the other students were actually beginning to be honest.. We had the reversed "what-will-you-be-when-you-grow-up" talk. That is, we voiced our opinion on what friend and foe would be doing 20 years from then.

I actually really liked that talk. One of my 'friends' (well, I liked her at least) had the honor of being nominated as public defence lawyer. She gracefully accepted the honor, even though she were aiming higher than that.

Anyway. The strange thing is...

*Three hours pass* Umm. Looks like Sheila woke up...

I will complete this story another day.. I'm absolutely not in the mood now.

Current Mood: Worri-- overly happy ;)

Bloody politicians	06:19 am

Trying to find new music is an incredibly cumbersome process.
There are two kinds of people when it comes to music:

1. The ones that listen to the radio and hear new music all the time.
2. The ones that listen to the same crap over and over again.

I am of the latter type, so in an attempt to at least seem less pathetic, I am desperately trying to renew my repositoire. repet.. reperto.... compendium of music.

(Wouldn't it be nice if I were consistent in where I use bold and italic?)

So, I am currenctly scooting through several different artists. A lot of them are actually quite interesting, for example At the Drive-in, Sparta and The Mars Volta...
Pun actually intended. Yes, I know it was horrible. (Tosser.)

Anyway... I just read an article about how the Danish Criminal Care are actually asking for an inquiry into the various treatments offered to prisoners. Perhaps they have finally realized that they can't stick each and every block into the cylinder hole?

In other news. The leading political party in Denmark have finally admitted that their website (danish) is slightly out-of-date regarding the so-called 'facts' of the Iraqi war. Catch-phrases that we have all come to know and love - "large quantities of mass destruction weapons", "an accelerated biologic and nuclear arms program" - litter the pages and cause instant seizure in the mind of any person capable of reasonably independant thinking.

Like anything else these days, it is, of course, nothing but a cheap stunt to gain some publicity and strike a blow at the opposing parties. Some of my favorite snippets from the page;

• The Social Democrats' amnesia
• Failure of the opposition
• Social Democrat hipocracy

Welcome to Little USA, year 2004.

Current Mood: Furious

Current Music: Oakenfold - Dread Rock

You pick	05:00 am

Sometimes it is fun to pop open a dictionary and try to find synonyms that match your person.

Contentious \Con*ten"tious\, a. [L. contentiosus: cf. F. contentieux.]
Fond of contention;
given to angry debate;
provoking dispute or contention;
quarrelsome.

Contemptuous \Con*temp"tu*ous\ (?; 135), a.
Manifesting or expressing contempt or disdain;
scornful;
haughty;
insolent;
disdainful.

Sleep.

Current Mood: Lost

Current Music: Marilyn Manson - This is the New Shit

Philosophy - stirred, not shaken	06:18 pm

My cat is sitting next to me, looking into thin air. I wonder what she sees that I don't. I'm sure there is something. I've often wondered if maybe they are spirits, or something equally silly - but I can't be put to blame for thinking that, can I? I don't know if I'm a firm believe in 'supernatural' things like ghosts and the likes.. Perhaps they are just good descriptors to attribute happenings that we can't grasp to. And perhaps, my cat is really just asleep with her eyes open.

I would never claim to know the truth, but once in a while, I can't help that self-righteous feeling; "Of course I am!" It's comforting, sometimes, to believe that you're right about something. But when the feeling settles, you're left with the same cold feeling that you're a nothing in a world that has everything. Who cares about my opinion anyway?

"... Or pun ambiguous, or conundrum quaint..."
With the cold realization that I'm in all likelyhood wrong about almost everything - then I'm at least right about that. But, this is like being right in saying "cancer can't be cured"... Well. Maybe more like "this fairly unknown and relatively ugly flower will soon be extinct" - nobody wants to be right about that. I hope.

Perhaps I should aim at becoming a completely ignorant bastard with no regards for the opinions of other people. At least it won't be too bad if I fail horribly. And if that's what I already am... Well, I suppose ignorance is bliss.

Current Mood: Ranting

Current Music: Sorten Muld - 2 Søstre

Love love love love	01:19 pm

Happy happy happy... It's a good morning today.. Well, afternoon, really.. But I just woke up! *bounces* And the sun is.. Absolutely not shining - but I don't care!

So what's in the news? *flips through endless stacks of junk on the table next to her* Junk, junk, junk, crap junk.

"UN Looses control over Kosovo"
And Denmark is going to contribute to settling things down there with - brace yourself; 96 soldiers!

...

Current Mood: Immensely happy

Current Music: Avril Lavigne - Sk8ter Boi

Forgotten	08:41 pm

Have you ever felt alone? Not alone, as if there was noone with you.
Alone, like the void of a dreamless night, where darkness seems to engulf every part of your conscience.
Alone, as waking in a place, where no sound penetrates, no motion is seen, and no color distinguishable.
Alone, like the memory of a lost friend, whose name has long since slipped from this place.
Forgotten, erased, tearwashed blood on the pages of life.

Pizza is late	07:26 pm

In a moment, I'm going to call the pizza place and yell at them. Of course, they'll make some lame excuse, and I'll swallow it like a - albeit cute - stupid little puppy. I need to work on that.

Perhaps I should go back to eating carrots anyway. Then I won't get fat either...

Current Mood: Contentious

Current Music: Origa - Inner Universe

Dreamweaver	05:10 am

Regarding the song anology, it would be even better applied to dreams. I want to be able to just sleep and solve all my problems.

I'm asking for a lot today. Perhaps tomorrow I will be less greedy.

Dreams are better than being awake, sometimes. They grant us a universe that is not defined by our own limits. Who cares if the pleasure isn't real. Can I sleep forever? Or would I just be sleeping in.

Current Mood: Tired

Current Music: Dave Matthew's band - When the World Ends

Infused feelings	03:28 am

It's wonderous how music can affect the mood, and sometimes, how ones mood can bend our interpretation of music. One song that I've always liked a lot suddenly changed meaning entirely, even the lyrics reflected the almost exact negative of what they used to mean.

Perhaps this is why musicians are able to do what they do. Shape their own mood as they see fit, and create music to share their feelings with all of us. Of course, we should be grateful for this. We can't all be musicians. But I can't help to envy them for that ability... Would I never be sad? Of course not. It doesn't work that way. But if it did, wouldn't I miss it, at least a bit - deep inside?

If my mind were a book, the author should be shot...

Current Mood: Content

Current Music: Chicane - Saltwater

Happiness bounces off the walls	09:32 pm

Anyway, been fidding with my guitar, I think I have decided to restring it soonish and learn playing it again... Perhaps I'd then have something to do besides running up the walls, and... running up the walls.

Perhaps I should fix my bass too?

Current Mood: Bouncy-happy

Current Music: Radiohead - Kid A

Blog on...

Currently, a fin (that of a country, not of a fish) is trying to persuade me into actually going outside. Well, at least he said it's nice outside. Muddy, but nice. I won't be fooled though, I can see the sun through the blinds.

Current Mood: Too sleepy

Current Music: Rage Against the Machine - Renegades of Funk